Last post, we talked about foreplay and, as Michael calls it, the "2 minute pop". We also re-touched on how premarital sex hurts the woman because she is the sensitive, weaker vessel. Today we get to talk more about premarital sex, and women climaxing. Get ready.
Text is in purple
Cleaning Up My Act
The cure for any of the [2 previous posts] is pretty much the same, with some additional spiritual actions that need to be taken by those who come into marriage with a whoremonger's mind. The man of corrupt mind and heart must repent before God and his wife. If they fornicated before marriage they must both repent and confess their sins to each other and to God.
According to Michael, a "whoremonger's mind" is someone who viewed pornography. I think it's interesting that that is the only criteria for having that type of mind. Apparently looking at women as objects to be taken, desired, or won isn't being a whoremonger. Just looking at dirty pics or movies. I suppose in PearlWorld women are little more than objects.
About the whole repentance thing? If you feel the need to confess to your spouse, partner, whomever, then do it. You shouldn't be forced into a confession just because someone else thinks you should.
We talked about the power of associations. When a girl sneaks around and has sex with her boyfriend before marriage, lying to parents and concealing it from her friends, the girl in particular comes to view her husband as a man with no self-discipline and capable of dishonesty in the pursuit of pleasure. She knows he is not a man of honor or integrity. He is not ruled by principle but by passion. Her view is that he will say anything or do anything to get what he wants.
Why is the girl the only one sneaking around here? And it's not always true that the "girl views her husband as a man with no self-discipline". Maybe they were horny, and mutually wanted sex. Oh wait...I forgot. Women have no sex drives; they are merely willing when a man grunts. Yes, some guys are cads that encourage women to have sex, simply to fulfill his need. But not all men! In fact, I would argue very few men think of women as blow up dolls. (Though perhaps not many inside this type of culture) A man can have premarital sex and still have honour and integrity. Honour and integrity are a bi-product of virginity. They are characteristics inherent in some people, learned in others, and forsaken all together in a few. If a woman's view of her husband is that he will say or do anything to get what he wants, she should seriously consider either leaving or counseling, because that isn't healthy at all.
When they have a little falling out and his pleasure is deferred for a few days, and he stops knocking on her door, she gets suspicious, wondering where he is depositing his semen. Suspicion and distrust can spiral downward into an abyss of anger and resentment.
O.o If a man doesn't get sex from his woman everyday, then the logical conclusion is he's "knowing" someone else? Really? Because that's not how most sexual relationships are. Most people realize there are sexual highs and lows, and that's normal and OK. Though he does make a good point that suspicion and distrust can causes anger and resentment. The way to combat that is communication.
The man whose heart and mind are corrupted with pornography and former immorality must develop a pure mind. A wife will know when you are pure in heart and she will respond with her body. Reclaiming your virtue is not easy but I have seen it done a thousand times. I spoke a series of nine messages called "SIN NO MORE". It reveals God's method of walking after the spirit and ceasing to sin. If your flesh is still tangled in the snares of the devil, you should get the series and listen to it carefully. Many have been set free. You can be as well.
Ah, yes. A wife will magically know you are pure in heart. My question is: how will she know? Will you treat her differently? If a wife listens to Debi, and believes she has to submit sexually whenever he wants, and act like she's enjoying it, how would she respond differently "with her body"? Also, I would like to add, again, that pornography does not necessarily equal EVIL LUST MONSTER. In fact, some couples enjoy watching porn together. Whatever works for a couple.
Oh, and the cure for a whoremonger's mind? Simple. Buy more of Michael's products. It works! Thousands of people can attest! Michael can free you from the snares of the devil! (I'm half tempted to look at these talks, just to see how miraculous it really is...)
I have a friend who came to marriage in a state of integrity. Both he and his wife were virgins in good standing with God. After they had been married for about two years, the man sought counsel on his wife's lack of fulfillment. She was willing but did not enjoy it and had never reached climax. He was mystified. All his friends testified of hot wives. Some of them may have done some "Christian" lying, but it didn't make the man feel any better. My daughter and son-in-law plied him with questions, discovering that he was not aware of his wife's needs.
First, congrats to that guy for caring about his wife's sexual needs. Not sarcastic at all. It's so...refreshing to read that there are people in this culture who actually care about their wife's happiness. It's slightly alarming, though, that it took him 2 years to realize his wife wasn't satisfied. I also think it's sad that she was "willing, but didn't enjoy it". It makes sex sound like a trip to the dentist. "Oh, I have to..." It sounds like he has bad friends. "Hey guys, my wife and I are having a little trouble in the bedroom. She's never reached orgasm." "Sucks to be you! My wife puts out 3 times a day and LOVES it!"
Second, what is "Christian" lying? Are those little white lies? Are they sanctified lies? I wish he would define his terms!
Third, how much of his family does Michael include in his ministry? He gives cold logical advice, his wife is sensitive, and his daughter gives sex advice? That just seems...odd to me.
Fourth, the only way you can be married for 2 years and not be aware of your spouse's needs is: if you don't ask, and/or they don't feel safe telling you. The fix is, of course, communication!
They encouraged him to take time throughout the day to woo her with romantic gestures and to spend time blessing her with back scratches, leg rubs, massages, or anything that made her feel cherished. Then they suggested a few techniques for slowly stimulating her in a romantic way. I won't get into details on that subject. It took about sex months to transition into full passionate erotic sex that now he says must be the best on earth. She chases him down if he doesn't show any interest for a couple of days. Whatever her hang-ups might have been, his patience and perseverance on her behalf brought her out of the frigid waters of indifference and into the warm sunshine of summer love.
I'm glad this story had a happy ending. It's commendable that the husband was willing to be patient and gentle for 6 months before seeing full results. Honestly, that's awesome. Sounds like she snagged a winner, and now they're both enjoying a great sex life. And making your wife (or spouse) feel cherished is a great way for them to lower their defenses and let you in. But I have a huge problem with Michael's phrase "whatever her hangups were". Hello?? We know what they were! The guy was too fast, and too insensitive. It wasn't a problem with the wife, it was a problem with the husband! I'm sure, though, that violates the terms in PearlWorld. Men can't ever be responsible.
Your wife was created to fill your sexual needs, and one of your sexual needs is for her to need you. A man is never satisfied with sex until he is a master at pleasing his wife. There is more to copulation than getting relief. It is a restoring and healing emotional experience that brings two souls into a union that is a perfect type of our spiritual union with God. We will discuss that point later.
Oh yes. Your wife was created to fill your needs. She has no needs herself, but if you treat her right, your sex life will get TONS better. "A man is never satisfied with sex until he is a master at pleasing his wife". Um...in the above example, for 2 years, the wife wasn't pleased. The guy never reported any problem with him not being satisfied. Though perhaps he is talking emotionally satisfied? In that case, yeah, that line works. And I don't know about you, but I cannot wait to find out how sex is like a spiritual union with God.
If your wife is not fulfilling you, know that you aren't fulfilling her either. If you think of yourself as the man of the house, then man up and take the steps necessary to bring her to a place of erotic excellence.
See? There it is again! Treat her better to make her treat you bestest! I do agree that both partners should take steps necessary to make their partners happy. But "bring her to place of erotic excellence"? That just sounds awkward. Why couldn't he just say "When both parties are sexually fulfilled, the sex is better"? Why is he always saying "bring the woman" "mold the woman" "make the woman"? Ugh.
She Needs You to Need Her
Just as you were created to NEED a help meet, your wife was created to BE a help meet. It is all by divine design. Have you forgotten to take her along with you as you fulfill your divine purpose? Most men, even husbands, think that they can make it alone, that they can be successful in their life purpose without having to drag their wife along with them. They are wrong. She was created to be your right hand man-wo-man! She needs the key position in your life.
Um...if you need to be reminded to take your wife with you, something is really wrong in your marriage. I don't know how many husbands think they can make it alone. In Mormondom, almost every talk given by people who have just been called to high positions make sure to thank their wife. I think there's a reason for the phrase "behind every great man is an even greater woman". But clearly people in PearlWorld just don't view their wives as integral in anything other than sex, cooking, cleaning, and babymaking.
Anything less will leave her defeated or rebellious. She will either get sickly or go out into the world seeking to discover personal fulfillment. Both are nasty options.
Yes, how terrible! Your wife wants personal fulfillment? Egads!
Until you arrange your life in a way that convinces her she is indispensable to your success, your relationship will remain less than fulfilling. You need her and she is waiting for you to show her the way. It is her nature to be your helper. Don't think she will be fulfilled doing other things.
Well, I agree that a spouse needs to know they are important to the other one. I don't like the word "convince" because I associate it with "manipulate into getting my way"; but that could just be me. I think it's terrible that Michael has to tell his readers that they need their wives. Throughout this book so far, I've often wondered what kind of men Michael writes for, and they don't sound at all like men I want to know.
A question I have is: how are men supposed to show women the way? Why is it the responsibility of the man? Wasn't the point of Debi's book how an "aged woman" tells young wives how to be? And wouldn't you think that a book geared towards men would be a lot more of meeting the wife's needs, and not so much acknowledging the needs of the husband? My thinking is that if the book to wives is about being a good wife, then the book for the husbands should be about being a good husband. Putting her needs first, taking care of her, showing that you love her (in her love language). But no. Michael thinks that the book for husbands should be about "bringing the woman" to the point where the man is satisfied with her. How messed up is that??
Also, I hate to break it to Michael, but there are plenty of women who find fulfillment in life outside of the home. And plenty of women whose nature isn't OK with being merely the helper.
You did not marry a trained, ready-for-the-job helper. Her nature is suited to your needs, but she comes to you untrained. She is a prodigy waiting for instruction. If you feel she is unequipped to help you, then take the time and exercise the patience necessary to equip her. The goal is not the efficiency of producing a product; it is the union of two souls in the work of life.
I'm certain he could have used this paragraph as the summary of his book. But if, from birth, a woman is taught that her place is the home, and she is trained in the arts of cooking, childrearing, budgeting, gardening, etc-then what does Michael mean by untrained? Perhaps the woman is untrained in the specifics of pleasing THIS man? And why does Michael assume women are prodigies? No matter how much my husband attempts to "equip" me with a desire for cleaning, I will never be a maestro. I hate cleaning and always have. It seems to me that Michael's book is all about changing women into what the man wants. Which is funny, because that's what Debi advocates, too.
I just don't understand how people can believe that 1+1=1. It doesn't! Not in mathematics or in life! 2 individuals come into a marriage. 2 individuals have needs that must be filled. 2 individuals that are...individual. It's not 1 primary and 1 secondary (meant to support and help the primary). That's not a healthy relationship at all-especially not a healthy marriage!
Alright. I have good news and bad news now. The good news is that we are FINALLY out of chapter 4. The bad news is the next several chapters talk about the 3 types of men. I would suggest you read Libby Anne's review of "Created to Be a Help Meet" of that section, just for a refresher.