I got a massage Thursday. I usually love massages. I have huge, painful knots, and massage helps. I also use them to de-stress (and lately I've had a LOT of stress). I had a great relationship with a massage therapist, but then she moved. I bought a Groupon for a massage from a place I had never heard of. The massage was cheap, so I tried it.
The first time I went in, it was pretty good. The guy reminded me of an old hippie, even though the place was professional looking and classy. It was a darn amazing massage, too. He did lots of techniques and even some acupressure. So I set up another appointment.
That last appointment was Thursday. And something happened that I'm still not sure about. There were a few times when I felt his hands wandered into places they shouldn't. There were a couple of times while he was massaging my thighs that his hands brushed places I wasn't comfortable with. Then something scary happened. When he did that, I got a flashback of my dad. I was 8, in the bathtub, and he was "helping" me take a bath.
Did I ask him to stop? Did I say I was uncomfortable? Nope. I just laid there and tried not to scream. I was a kid again, and I had no control. I was scared, and I didn't act. I outweigh him by like 130 pounds, and yet I let him keep going.
Then when he was rubbing my shoulders, he rubbed between, atop, and beside my breasts. He didn't ask permission, or even tell me what he planned on doing. I kind of freaked out-a mini panic attack. Later that night, I emailed him explaining that I was uncomfortable. Haven't heard back yet.
So what I'm trying to figure out is if he did something wrong, or, because of my sexual abuse background, I just read too much into it.
I've also never remembered so much about my past with my dad. I'm hurt, confused, angry, and irritated. I don't know what to do, or how to feel. It's just annoying that I am just starting to get over my issues with my dad, that something else happened to throw me back into that mind space. I thought coming to terms with my abuse history would empower me, not allow me to be victimised again.