Today we are comparing how the different types of men treat their wives, and what they expect of them.
Mr. Command needs a lady to serve him. Mr. Visionary needs a lady to talk with him. Both Command and Visionary need their ladies to admire them. A Steady man needs a lady to walk beside him, a counterpart. She needs to know that is her role. She needs to know how she can become his colleague in life. Mr. Steady will need to find ways she can become his functioning help meet. As his help meet she really NEEDS to be getting things done.
Alright. Let me be very clear. People do not deserve to be served by others. People don't automatically deserve respect or honor, just because they want it. Also, comparing expecting servitude and expecting wives to talk to their husbands is not an equal comparison! It should go without saying that if you're in a relationship, you're talking to each other. And I don't think it's fair that Michael assumes it's OK that certain types of men have an actual need to be admired, but no directives as to how to earn that admiration.
Oh, and I really, really love that Mrs. Steady NEEDS to be getting things done. And the very, very clear implication that by "getting things done" really means "getting things Mr. Steady wants done".
Mr. Steady needs to learn to stand up to his bossy wife, while Mr. Visionary needs to get his head out of the clouds of dreams and go to work. Mr. Command needs to come home and tell his wife he loves her.
While some of these things are good starts, honestly, it is going to take more than telling one's wife that they are loved is enough to fix a marriage. It's a good start, but love is shown in more than words, and if your words say "I love you", and your actions say "I deserve your respect and honor regardless of what I do", then you may need to rethink your tactics!
Mr. Command Man might be jealous of his wife's success and take it as a put-down. He wants her full attention, to be the only game in town. The immature Command Man who doesn't accomplish much on his own may be jealous of any success she might achieve apart from him. I have watched men publicly roll their eyes when someone happens to compliment the little lady on an achievement. In his insecurity he refuses to allow her to do something that would be helpful to him because he doesn't want her to perform better than he. When a man treats his help meet in that manner he is cutting off the one God provided to assist him in becoming more successful. Don't maintain your height by making your wife stay seated.
Ugh. Decent advice is playing "Where's Waldo" with toxic poison. "Don't maintain your height by making your wife stay seated." should be cross-stitched into a plaque and given to every couple who buys the Pearl's books. However when it's surrounded by jealous Command Men not wanting their wife to have success, and "immature" men rolling their eyes when their ladies get compliments-good lines kind of get lost.
And part of me is wondering if Michael is the type that rolls his eyes, or if he attributes everything Debi does to him...yeah. I think the second one is the best option. After all, he "approved every word" of her book.
Oh, and just to be clear. It is perfectly OK for both parties in a relationship to have successes independent of each other. If you find yourself upset when your partner succeeds, the problem is you-not her success.
Mr. Visionary gets excited and even frantic when he is suddenly possessed of a vision. The last thing he wants at that point is for someone to tell him his idea is crazy. In the morning he may see that it's crazy, but if his wife tells him that it's unworkable before he discovers it for himself, he will take it as a rejection of him rather than an objective analysis by an unbiased party.
I deal with Bipolar Disorder, and even medicated, there are times when I am possessed of a vision. Like writing a musical, or running for city council. What I appreciate is when my husband says "That sounds interesting. Let's talk about it in the morning." Or "That's not going to work. What's next on your list?" I'm trying to say, it is possible to tell your partner that they are drinking their own Kool-Aid without it being seen as a rejection. What is with the super-sensitive men that Michael writes about? They can't handle their wives success, they can't handle being told that their ideas are fanciful...Who would want someone like that?
Visionaries live on the mountain peaks of adrenaline-laced joy. They slide off into the valley of depression often enough so when they are peaking out on good feelings, they want their wives to dance and share their exhilaration. If she doesn't go up and down with him, he too may just cut her off emotionally.
Wow. So Mr. Visionary wants Mrs. Visionary to ride the roller coaster of his mood swings with him? Where is the sentence on understanding Mrs. Visionary's feelings? What happened to the idea that women are supposed to regulate their husband's emotions of a few chapters back? Why is Mr. Visionary's moods and feelings the only ones that matter? And why is cutting off the wife emotionally always the fallback?
Of all the men, Mr. Visionary needs to learn to incorporate his wife into his life, for BOTH their sakes. And he must not take it personally when she has a mind and emotions of her own. Mister, since it is not her nature to be a Visionary, she may just be a whole lot more objective than you are. You look at the details through a microscope while she sees the whole picture. Don't cut her off for being more objective than you. It is her nature to be what she is. You are the immature one.
Yes, it's important to incorporate one's wife into one's life. But why act surprised when she has a mind or emotions of her own? WOMEN ARE PEOPLE, TOO! Head/wall.
Oh, and how does Michael know that every Mrs. Visionary isn't a Visionary herself? And isn't Mr. Command the only one that sees the whole picture? Because women can't be trusted to make decisions because of dem hormonez.
Mr. Steady is short-sighted in regard to his role as head of the family. He will take the lead if everybody is willing to follow, but if his wife balks, he will chose peace over power any day and all night, "Hen-pecked" and Steady Men are synonymous. A Command Man is never hen-pecked. His hen follows or gets left behind. The Visionary is too controlled by his drives to sit in one spot long enough to get pecked, but Mr. Steady will tend to sit on the nest and let the hen do as she pleases if she just lets him fertilize her eggs from time to time.
Ah, yes. Mr. Steady is a hen-picked coward who lets his dominate wife dictate his life in exchange for some nookie every now and again. Command Men and Visionaries who threaten to "cut off" their wives emotionally if she disagrees are SOOO much more preferred.
Speaking as a hen-pecker, my husband lets me make most of the decisions because I care more about things than he does. It's not that I'm usurping his authority because of his lack of a backbone. I'm just more emotionally invested in more things than he is. And there's nothing wrong with that! There's nothing wrong with both parties making equal decisions, either! I still can't believe that Michael thinks there are three types of men, but only one type of successful relationship-the kind where the man leads all the time.
Dumb Things Husbands Say
Now, I didn't create this list, but some of these things sound rather intelligent to me. It's the little lady's perspective that matters.
- You need to lose weight
- Why don't you call my mom and ask her how to cook it?
- Your family is weird.
- You can't really be that dumb.
- You didn't used to think like that!
- You will feel differently when you are off your cycle.
- All the other guys' wives are cool with it.
- Who put that dumb idea in your head, your mother?
- You are not being logical.
- You are totally missing the point.
- I'll do it this weekend.
- Hurry up with the kids and clean up, because I've got plans for you.
- Not now! I'm trying to watch the news!
- Shut the kids up before I come and shut them up myself! I can't even hear this show!
Funny thing is, if Debi ever said ANY of these to Michael, he would probably flip out. And I am totally freaked out by the "Hurry up" one. Does it sound foreboding to anyone else? One more thing, if you find yourself saying these things to your partner often, please stop and think about what you say before you say it. Because this could be considered emotional abuse-calling people stupid, fat, dumb, weird...not nice at all, but especially for one's partner!
Next time, we learn how to heal marriages. I know you're excited.